Before you make any resolutions for the upcoming year, let me caution you to think twice.  Until I gave some serious thought to what I would resolve to do in 2016, these are the resolutions I had planned to make.

• In 2016 I will stop eating junk and eat only healthful, nutritious, organically grown fruits and vegetables that have been thoroughly washed with Veggie Fit.  I will consume no canned, bottled or packaged foods and will eat absolutely nothing containing caffeine, fat, sugar, salt, cholesterol, gluten, carbohydrates, artificial dyes or preservatives.
• I will power-walk walk three miles a day, every day, regardless of the weather, the road conditions, or my state of health.
• I will read or listen to all 89 of the Pulitzer Prize winning novels.

Future scenario:  Look for a scowling, emaciated woman slogging along snow-covered streets in a central Indiana neighborhood, gnawing on a stalk of celery, listening to The Old Man and the Sea on her iPod and murmuring, “Caffeine.  Get me some caffeine.”

• In 2016, through careful organization and the efficient use of sticky notes and calendars, I will show up on the right day and at the right time for all dental and doctor appointments, psychologist visits, hair appointments, lunches with friends, Pampered Chef parties, church, etc.
• I will neatly store all current and future incoming bills, warranties, catalogs, insurance policies, advertisements, receipts, etc. inside my house.  No piece of paper will ever again be placed on my kitchen island to be dealt with later.

Future scenario:    Look for a wild-eyed woman plastered in assorted-color sticky notes and having a large, well-marked calendar taped to the front of her refrigerator, to her car’s steering wheel, to her bathroom mirror, to the edge of the TV screen, beside her laptop, and on both the front and back sides of her husband.  She will spend entire days filing papers in well organized and clearly labeled storage containers, three-ring binders, manila folders, and filing cabinets.

• In 2016 I will finally get a grip on my housework.  My home will be devoid of dust, clutter, dirty dishes, untended  laundry, soap scum, spider webs, grimy windows, sticky refrigerator shelves, and baked-on oven residue.

Future scenario:  Look for a woman whose furniture, appliances, bookshelves, table tops, and electronic equipment will be draped in bed sheets which are not to be removed under any circumstances.  In order to prevent soap scum, her sinks, showers and bathtubs will not be available for use.  You may see this woman and her husband eating in local restaurants, wearing the same items of clothing day after day and emitting an unpleasant odor.

• In 2016 I will dedicate myself to improving the lives of the important people in my world.  I will boldly inform my husband, children and friends of all the changes I think they need to make in the upcoming year.  I will be attentive to my grandchildren 24/7, teaching them life principles, helping them develop their motor skills, reading to them, improving their handwriting and vocabulary, encouraging them in all worthwhile pursuits, and coaching them in memorizing long passages of scripture on a daily basis.

Future scenario:  Look for a lonely woman whose eyes are bloodshot and swollen from continuous crying because her husband, children and grandchildren have moved to another country and left no forwarding address.  Her friends have suddenly become unreachable by phone or email, and no one answers when the doorbell rings at their houses.

In short, had this perfectly sane, well-balanced, and productive woman stuck with these resolutions, she would have morphed in 2016 into an angry, skinny, foul-smelling but well-read, psychotic woman who lives alone in an immaculately clean, well-organized, sheet-draped home, eating tasteless food, never bathing, and venturing outside only to walk three miles a day, retrieve her mail, and appear on time for appointments.

Resolutions can ruin your life.  They almost ruined mine.

©Debbie Scales           December 27, 2015          657 Words