Yesterday, I was having a vortex kind of day.
You know the sort of day I mean. I felt caught in a force that was sucking me downward.
I wanted/needed to do many things.
I have obsessive compulsive disorder, as well as attention deficit disorder.
These conditions make time management difficult.
But I work hard at it.
I plan. I make lists. I use sticky notes.
I anticipate, contemplate, create, and recreate, but mostly I agitate.
Yesterday I was going nowhere but crazy.
On such days, I seek out Dan.
In tears, I try to tell him how I feel.
But I can’t find the words to express the desperation in my soul.
Dan holds me. I cry.
He says, “Deb, it’ll be okay. Calm down. You’re trying to do too many things. Let some of them go.”
He is right. I am always trying to do too many things. I can’t let even one of them go.
Sentence after sentence poured out of me.
“God, I’m so tired. I’m pedaling as fast as I can but getting nowhere.
I’m aiming to earn an A in life but getting a C-.
I can’t finish one project because another one calls louder to me.
I want to use my gifts to bring glory to You.
But I’m just spinning my wheels.
I’ve got lessons to prepare, articles to write, emails to answer, cards to send.
I want to finish my Bible study on the book of Matthew, but I can’t get past chapter two.
The scrapbooks I’m making for my grandchildren are barely started.
I’ve got books to read, online courses to complete.
My website needs to be updated.
I can’t get my online newsletter off the ground.
I have things to say, Lord. Things to write. Things to share.
But today I wonder if any of them are worth saying, worth writing, worth sharing.
I’m not getting any younger, Lord, and ‘I’ve got miles to go before I sleep.’
I’ve got to work harder, move faster.
I’m caving in upon myself.
Going down for the third time.
What is wrong with me?
You didn’t create me to live a life of chaos and frustration.
Where is the peace I am supposed to find in You?
Where is it?
And then, perhaps from God, came an answer.
“You’re not trying to find peace in Me. You’re trying to find peace in yourself, in your accomplishments.
Look at how many of your sentences begin with the word ‘I.’
When will you learn, Child, that peace will never be found in you? It’s found only in Me.”
My tears flowed harder, and I answered, “I don’t know, Lord. When will I learn that?”