VORTEX

Yesterday, I was having a vortex kind of day.

You know the sort of day I mean. I felt caught in a force that was sucking me downward.

I wanted/needed to do many things.

I have obsessive compulsive disorder, as well as attention deficit disorder.

These conditions make time management difficult.

But I work hard at it.

I plan. I make lists. I use sticky notes.

I  anticipate, contemplate, create, and recreate, but mostly I agitate.

Yesterday I was going nowhere but crazy.

On such days, I seek out Dan.

In tears, I try to tell him how I feel.

But I can’t find the words to express the desperation in my soul.

Dan holds me. I cry.

He says, “Deb, it’ll be okay. Calm down. You’re trying to do too many things. Let some of them go.”

He is right. I am always trying to do too many things. I can’t let even one of them go.

After talking to Dan yesterday, I sat down to pray.

Sentence after sentence poured out of me.

“God, I’m so tired. I’m pedaling as fast as I can but getting nowhere.

I’m aiming to earn an A in life but getting a C-.

I can’t finish one project because another one calls louder to me.

I want to use my gifts to bring glory to You.

But I’m just spinning my wheels.

I’ve got lessons to prepare, articles to write, emails to answer, cards to send.

I want to finish my Bible study on the book of Matthew, but I can’t get past chapter two.

The scrapbooks I’m making for my grandchildren are barely started.

I’ve got books to read, online courses to complete.

My website needs to be updated.

I can’t get my online newsletter off the ground.

I have things to say, Lord. Things to write. Things to share.

But today I wonder if any of them are worth saying, worth writing, worth sharing.

I’m not getting any younger, Lord, and ‘I’ve got miles to go before I sleep.’

I’ve got to work harder, move faster.

I’m caving in upon myself.

I’m splintered.

Failing.

Going down for the third time.

What is wrong with me?

You didn’t create me to live a life of chaos and frustration.

Where is the peace I am supposed to find in You?

Where is it?

Where?”

And then, perhaps from God, came an answer.

“You’re not trying to find peace in Me. You’re trying to find peace in yourself, in your accomplishments.

Look at how many of your sentences begin with the word ‘I.’

When will you learn, Child, that peace will never be found in you? It’s found only in Me.”

My tears flowed harder, and I answered, “I don’t know, Lord. When will I learn that?”

 

15 thoughts on “VORTEX”

  1. Sweet Debbie,

    Grateful you shared this. Fortunately I’m not currently in a vortex but boy do I know exactly what that feels like. Too often. May the good Lord have mercy on us and help us rest in Him.

    Grateful for you.

    Looking up sometimes,
    Pearl

    http://www.lookupsometimes.com

    1. Pearl, my online friend and encourager, you are precious to me. Praying that you and I both learn to accept God’s peace. He offers it freely and is aching for us to accept it.

  2. My dear friend and writer. From another obsessive-compulsive writer, I share your dilemma. I’ve been following you for some time and you are such a creative person. You’ve been given a marvelous talent, so do what you can and remember you’re only human. Thank you for sharing.

  3. Debbie, thank you for being so transparent. Boy, that takes courage! I’ve had those vortex kind of days too and they are horrible. And I also have touble with the “I” pronoun, especially at the beginning of my sentences!

    1. Maybe writers are particularly susceptible to this. So far, the comments I’m receiving are coming from fellow writers. Hmmmm. I wonder what that means? Thank you, Becky, for commenting.

  4. Amen! I hear you on those vortex type of days. They drive me to distraction. Praying for you and am right there in wondering when I will learn that peace is only found in Him. God Bless!

    1. THANK YOU for commenting and for being honest in admitting you have those days too. I will pray for you and for me to find that peace God promises. We know He is faithful. If we get out of His way, He will deliver!!

  5. We demand so much of ourselves while letting our most precious gifts linger. Love, compassion, understanding, listening, caring, reaching out… You do all those things so effortlessly. It seems to me you are using God’s gifts remarkably well.

    1. Thank you for those kind words, Maggie. Most of us are our own worst enemies! We demand more of ourselves than we demand of anyone else. I’m so glad your daughter is healing. Thank you for allowing her to share her journey on your website!

  6. Isn’t it wonderful to have a husband that is so understands and knows when you just need him to hold you and listen … and then also have a God that knows the same thing. Hugs to you.

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